


Stay with me

by Time_that_is_given_to_you



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Star Trek (2009), Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Pre-Star Trek Beyond, Star Trek: AOS, Terra Prime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:14:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28672068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Time_that_is_given_to_you/pseuds/Time_that_is_given_to_you
Summary: "Bringing James T. Kirk back from the dead had been the easy part."A year after Khan, Jim's and Leonard's close friendship seems to have come to an end, the captain barely seeking out the other anymore. Yet when the Enterprise is called back to Earth because of the 100-year celebration of the Federation, things come to a head when Terra Prime sends out a threat against the upcoming festivities, forcing Jim to realize that even the best of intentions have consequences and being the one left behind hurts more than he appreciated...
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock, Spock/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 20
Kudos: 63





	1. My whole life waiting to tell you how I feel

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. The original characters mentioned in this piece of fanwork belong to the original creators of Star Trek and Paramount Pictures. The title as well as chapter titles and possibly some lyrics at the beginning of a chapter are taken from the song "Stay" by Hurts. 
> 
> I don't think that there will be any triggers in this story but as always, read at your own caution. 
> 
> Also, I'm neither an engineer nor a doctor, so apologies for any inaccuracies in that regard. 
> 
> Again, English is not my first language, so sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> Apart from that: Enjoy! :)

_Now I try to tell you that I need you_

_Here I am without you_

_I feel so lost but what can I do?_

\- “Stay” by Hurts -

Bringing James T. Kirk back from the dead had been the easy part.

Oh, if Leonard had been asked during the process of creating the serum, he would have told a different story. Jim’s immune system had always been difficult at the best of times and climbing into a warp core and being heavily contaminated by radiation did not, in fact, count as ‘best of times’. So yes, devising a serum that not only fulfilled the purpose of reviving Jim’s heart, his genius brain and all his organs without any short- or long-term damage, but also didn’t trigger a counterreaction had been challenging. Leonard not sleeping because of the new footage for his nightmares featuring Jim in a body bag, accompanied by the mind gripping, icy fear whenever he realized that Jim was _gone_ , he had _left_ ( _died. He fucking died_ ) and the constant mantra of  
_pleaseohpleasedon’ttakehimpleaseIcan’tdothiswithouthimpleaseletthiswork_ may or may not have made the entire process even more of a trip through hell and back than it already was on its own. Combined with his tendency to forgo food when he was stressed, his body had finally and exasperatedly informed him at some point – and thank god that had been after he had already finished the serum and injected Jim with it – that it was so done with his bullshit and it was time to call it quits by fainting right next to Jim’s bio bed. While Jim had been wide awake to witness it, naturally. 

So yes, bringing Jim back to life had been anything but easy. Yet Leonard would almost – _almost_ – wish to go back to these times. Because back then he had had a legitimate excuse to avoid sleep and to spare himself the torture of seeing Jim in that body bag. To feel the coldness of his skin underneath his hands, see the accusation in those blue eyes that were always, _always_ open, never mind that some kind soul had spared him the agony of doing it himself in reality. To hear the disappointment, the hurt, the condemnation in Jim’s voice, ringing through the empty walls of sickbay, somehow always deserted except for Jim and Leonard himself, always closing in on him like the grave that had been meant for Jim, pulling them both down, the captain’s voice echoing around them as a reverberating chorus of blames and disappointment all piling up to bury Leonard beneath them.

But somehow the nightmares weren’t even the worst. Leonard could deal with those, taking them as a warning of what could have been and what might still come to pass if he wasn’t good enough. No, what really, really gnawed at him, what actually _hurt_ him, if he was honest with himself, was Jim’s behavior towards him since the Khan incident. For some reason, Jim had decided to ‘exchange’ him for Spock. In some ways at least. Where Jim would have gone to Leonard for advice, he now sought out Spock. When he wanted to relax after a grueling shift, he went to Spock for a round or two of three-dimensional chess; which really wasn’t relaxing whatsoever if you asked Leonard, but since nobody did, he grumbled his observation to himself, nursing a bourbon in the solitude of his own quarters. Hell, even when he needed a word of comfort, he asked it from _Spock_ of all people on this damn tin can. Jim would rather get comfort from a Vulcan than actually talk to Leonard about his problems. That part probably hurt the most.

At the beginning, Leonard had managed to cover his hurt with anger. He had years of experience with that, courtesy of his failed marriage, so he succeeded for longer than a lesser person would have. But in the end, all that had been left behind was pain. Because he apparently was a fucking masochist, the part of him that had secretly harbored more romantic feelings for his friend – the part he had locked away deep, deep down once it became clear that Jim had made it his personal mission to sleep with as many people as possible at the Academy – had remained steadfast, unwavering despite even less interest from Jim. The best friend part though had taken the full brunt of his hurt, his confusion, and Leonard had often asked himself what he had done wrong. He had spent a lot of sleepless nights – and at least the fucking nightmares were good for something – going over his interactions with Jim, not just after Khan but even before that, looking for clues as to what he had done wrong. And even after almost a year, he couldn’t pinpoint one single instant that had changed his relationship with Jim. Rather it had been small things, small flaws in Leonard’s character that must have piled up to chase Jim away. Leonard was the first to admit that he could be a bit of a curmudgeon, tended to complain first and offer constructive suggestions second, and always took the part of the buzzkill before, during and after every away mission. In his defense though, the last part really was a necessity on occasion; Jim and the geniuses forming the bridge crew all had a tendency to leap before looking. Spock had been the exception until close proximity to one James T. Kirk must have loosened one of those tight Vulcan screws that were all about logic because Leonard now actually needed two hands to count the occasions where Spock had agreed to one of Jim’s stunts without arguing against it. And maybe Jim had once considered these traits funny or valuable, but by withdrawing from him he had made it quite clear that at least in his private time, he didn’t want to deal with it.

As a result, Leonard had tried to reign in his temper and to turn down his grumpiness a bit. Which, at the very least, had apparently made him more approachable to other crew members, so that he now had a handful of new friends who still failed to fill the Jim-shaped hole in his life. For some time, Leonard had tried to blame Spock for it. Yet the Vulcan really was more emotionally perceptive than Leonard gave him credit for and actually seemed to have picked up on the changed relationship between the doctor and the captain. And not that Leonard was an expert on Vulcan emotions, but from what he could gather from his own interactions with the first officer and his spies – Uhura, it was only Uhura, but she was a very credible source, if difficult to crack – Spock didn’t seem to approve of Jim’s strategy. That, mostly, had been the reason why he had reduced his rude comments towards the Vulcan and even started to form something resembling a loose friendship with him. Which didn’t mean that they didn’t argue. Spock still drove him crazy most days and, in Leonard’s opinion, it was only for his own good that Spock’s logic got challenged from time to time.

None of that made any of this better. And the frustrating thing was that he couldn’t even outright ask Jim about it without sounding pathetic or needy. Because Jim, that stupid bastard, didn’t ignore him or anything. It wasn’t like he had cut out Leonard from his life entirely. No, they still had lunch together, they still played poker together with Scotty and Sulu down in Engineering once a month. Leonard still had to chase Jim through the entire ship for his vaccinations, although this was one routine he could have happily lived without. Jim was there and at the same time, he wasn’t. He had removed Leonard from all the areas that had made them best friends, that had made them almost freaking co-dependent. And he had done it in such a subtle way that Leonard couldn’t address it without revealing way too much of his own feelings.

So, for the last year, ever since Khan, Jim and Leonard had only been loose friends. And although Leonard had by now accepted that Jim seemed to have moved on from the close friendship they once had, he still sometimes mourned the loss.

Leonard sighed, running his eyes over the list of medical equipment they would restock while they were in orbit around Earth. He had to admit, when he had heard the words “five-years-mission”, he hadn’t thought they would be back to Earth only half a year later. Not that Leonard was complaining, not at all. Having firm ground underneath his feet in an environment where nothing or no one wanted to kill them always was a plus in his book. He simply wished it had been for real down time and not for the pompous show-off Starfleet had in mind. The crew could need a break, some time to relax. The last couple of missions had been difficult and left them with the loss of five crew members, a loss Leonard himself was still struggling to come to terms with, not to mention those who had been close comrades and friends with them. Maybe once the entire fanfare was over, Jim could get them some shore leave.

But for now, they would all have to shoulder on. Starfleet had called them back for the 100-years-celebration of the foundation of the Federation. The entire year was packed with celebrations, exhibitions and speeches – because you can’t forget the speeches, what would life be without the joy of attending a boring speech by some administrative paper-pusher – to show the 100-year history of not only the Federation and how it came to be but also the individual cultures that constituted it. May, however, was designed to be the peak. Representatives of the four founding races, Humans, Vulcans, Andorians and Tellars, would all convene in San Francisco and symbolically sign a new treaty to consolidate the bonds of the Federation, followed by all the other races that had joined the Federation since. And Starfleet, as the Federation’s space force, would be open for the public, showing off their research, their technology, and their ships. That was the reason why the Enterprise had been called back to attend the celebrations in May. As the flagship and the crew that had saved the Federation, and on a smaller scale just Earth, twice, the brass wanted to give the interested public the opportunity to explore its halls and to speak to the crew – with the hope, of course, that it might not only gather more civic support, but also provoke some more interest in enlisting, something that had been seriously lacking in the last couple of years. Jim and Spock as the command dream team were also required to hold some speeches about peace and unity and some other bullshit. They had both, unsuccessfully, tried to wiggle out of it, but the admiralty had been adamant and so they had both started to work on their speeches on their way back to Earth; Spock bearing it stoically, Jim complaining about it loudly.

Leonard, thankfully, had escaped the doubtful honor of speech holding by preemptively signing himself up for shifts at Starfleet Medical. His medical achievements were already well known in the relevant circles so that he didn’t need to advertise for himself in this way and as far as he was concerned, the less interest there was in his ‘miracle cure’ for radiation contamination, the better. The admirals hadn’t been happy about it, but they had relented after Boyce had thrown in his weight as head of medical and loudly proclaimed that they actually needed Leonard’s expertise while he was on Earth to, you know, keep people from dying. Even the admiralty couldn’t argue against that, what with that being bad press and all.

With a sigh and a final tap, Leonard put the PADD aside, then stretched his tight muscles, grunting at the audible pop in his back. God damn it, he was getting old, even if Jim frequently told him otherwise. Had told him otherwise. Like everything else, it had been some time since Jim had assured him that it wasn’t his time to sign up for a retirement home quite yet.

Shaking his head to shoo away the thought, Leonard got up from his desk and after one final look around to make sure everything was stored away or turned off for the days they were staying on Earth, he exited his office. Med Bay was almost completely deserted, only one young nurse left to finish tidying up the cabinets. Upon hearing the door open, he briefly looked over and cheerfully waved at Leonard.

“Enjoy the festivities, sir!”

Leonard bit back the sarcastic comment that wanted to escape since it didn’t really seem fair to destroy the youth’s cheerfulness over his own grumpiness and only settled for a neutral “You too, Ensign.”

Then he hurried outside before the boy could do something stupid such as ask for his plans while he was on Earth. They consisted of work and nothing else, thank you very much, and he didn’t need some young thing to judge him for that.

Leonard had expected to be the last of the senior officers to leave the ship, so he was mildly surprised to see Uhura when he entered the transporter room.

“Lieutenant, what are you still doing up here? And where is that hobgoblin boyfriend of yours? Weren’t the two of ya supposed to head down together?”

Uhura snorted.

“Why Leonard, would you prefer his company over mine?”

“And have him call me ‘illogical’ again when I’m pointing out my valid concerns about having my atoms scrambled between this tin can and Earth? Thanks, but I think I prefer your company after all, Nyota darlin’.”

She laughed at that.

“Of course.”

As they stepped onto the transporter pad, Uhura continued, “Actually, Spock and Jim were called down earlier to an impromptu meeting with the admiralty. Something concerning security.”

Leonard couldn’t tell whether the sudden knot his stomach twisted into at her words was due to yet another possible security threat, the fact that Jim hadn’t sawn fit to tell him about it, although by now he really shouldn’t be surprised, or because of the Ensign starting to tap away on the console to initiate the beaming process. He chose to go with the last option and sent a suitable glare at the poor guy. Seconds later he felt the tell-tale tingle of the transporter, followed with a split second of nothingness before he rematerialized again on the well-known grounds of the Academy in the evening hours. Leonard knew that he should be used to it considering that beaming was an everyday occurrence and he had been beamed down to and up from different planets often enough. Yet his heart rate continued to spike in that millisecond before and after a beam, as if his body was totally on board with his brain on the opinion that beaming simply wasn’t natural.

Trying to distract himself from the beam, Leonard grumbled, “There better not be another lunatic trying to settle their beef with the Federation. Think we’ve had enough of those for a life-time.”

Uhura chuckled, but Leonard knew her well enough to read the tenseness in her shoulders and around her eyes as worry. Of course, she worried. The Enterprise, and specifically her command team lead by Mr. I-don’t-believe-in-No-Win-scenarios and Mr. I-used-to-be-a-sensible-being-but-then-Jim-Kirk-happened, always found herself in the middle of whatever catastrophe was brewing on the horizon and eventually, the luck Jim had leased for them would run out. And someone would eventually be caught in the crossfire.

Leonard knew that Jim would never let anything happen to Spock. It was one of the many scenarios that plagued his nightmares. Jim had proven that he wouldn’t let anything happen to anyone of his crew or, if he felt particularly martyr-like, anyone in this universe and the next. Jim would sacrifice himself again if he deemed it necessary and Leonard would be left behind, again. It really didn’t feel like an “if” rather than a “when” it would happen.

The doctor coughed slightly, trying to ease the tightness in his throat and brush aside those worries. This was his burden to carry and the least he could do was make sure that someone else didn’t have to carry the same thoughts about a loved one with them.

“I’m sure it will be nothing, Nyota. And even if there is anything going on, whoever it is really picked the worst moment to try something. Security is probably on an all-time high, so anyone going to try anything will have a tough time of it with those folks. Spock needn’t even be involved, so don’t you worry your head about him. He’ll be fine.”

Gratitude swam warmly in her eyes as Uhura smiled at him and they started to move towards the apartment loft where they would both be staying during their brief visit here.

“You really are a softie at heart, Leonard, anyone ever tell you that?”

Leonard grunted and scowled to which Uhura merely laughed as if it proved her point.

“You know, if I didn’t know any better, I would say you worry for him as well.”

“Now that’s a god damn lie, based on nothing but unfounded circumstantial coincidences. The hobgoblin doesn’t need me worrying about him, he can take care of himself just fine since he at least listens to that god damn survival instinct that God saw fit to bestow on everyone that isn’t named James Tiberius Kirk.”

Uhura continued to grin but her eyes softened slightly at his mention of Jim’s name. Leonard cursed himself for it and picked up his speed a little bit. He shouldn’t have brought up Jim’s name. Uhura had turned into a good friend over the last year and as such had picked up on his hurt feelings due to Jim’s behavior, however well he tried to hide them. She had probably cursed his and Jim’s stubbornness ten times over by now, but her grand advice of talking about their issue wasn’t really any help since Jim refused to even acknowledge that anything was different. And right now, Leonard didn’t need her reading him like a book and point out the worry that had already started to blossom in his chest at her mention of this new potential threat, he was quite aware of it himself. He just didn’t want to talk about it.

“Anyways, I’m sure nothing’s going to happen and you’re worrying about Spock for no reason. He’ll be fine.”

“As will be Jim.”

Leonard pressed his lips together and hurried up his steps. Uhura kept his pace without blinking an eye.

“Sure. I don’t care if he denies it, but Spock is the biggest mother hen I’ve ever seen when it comes to Jim’s wellbeing, so he’ll make sure nothing happens to him. He seems to take any injury the captain manages to receive as a personal insult to himself. Kinda belies the whole ‘worrying is illogical’ thing he insists on.”

Next to him, he heard Uhura chuckle and when their apartment building, a sleek tower of only twenty-six floors, came into sight, Leonard allowed himself the hope that maybe he could escape yet another discussion about his changed relationship with Jim.

“You know, he worries about you.”

Apparently, he had crowed too soon.

“Spock? I highly doubt that.”

Uhura sighed, exasperation masking her next words as if she wondered why Leonard was being purposefully difficult.

“No. I mean yes, he would worry given enough reason, but you know I was talking about Jim.”

“The captain worries about everyone. It’s part of his job as well as some sort of personal responsibility he insists on shouldering.”

“Len.”

Her hand took hold of his wrist and they came to a halt. To the left and right of them, the sea of cadets, officers and various visitors already moving around the campus as part of the ongoing preparations for the festivities starting tomorrow parted, leaving the two of them untouched like a small island in a bustling crowd.

“I don’t know why he behaves the way he has been doing for the last two years, but I promise you, Jim cares about you. It’s there in the way he looks at you, the way he behaves when you’re in danger.”

Leonard focused his gaze at some point over her shoulder. God, he really didn’t want to have this conversation now.

“’Course he cares. I’m still his CMO, and a damn good one if I say so myself. Replacing one in deep space might be a tad bit difficult, not to mention inconvenient for Jim himself the next time he needs a miracle worker.”

The words were said with more poisonous vehemence than Leonard had intended, and it seemed to take Uhura of guard if the widening of her eyes was any indication. It didn’t take her long to recover though, her eyes blazing in anger.

“You know, sometimes you really are an ass, McCoy. I know it’s not fair the way Jim has been treating you but suggesting he really doesn’t care about you beyond your function as the ship’s CMO really doesn’t give him enough credit. That’s just petty.”

Something hot unfurled in his chest at her words and it was only because of the people around them and knowing that she wasn’t actually the one he was angry with that he kept down his voice, even if he felt his entire body shake with unvoiced, angry hurt.

“I’m petty? When for the first two months after his release from the hospital he couldn’t even be bothered to text me once? When he was the one who could barely look at me whenever I had to run a test on him after he fucking died? When for the last year I haven’t heard a single inquiry from him about how the fuck I have been dealing with seeing him dead on my fucking autopsy table, with nothing left for me to do other than note his time of death? None of you have ever…”

He cut himself off, cursing himself again. Usually, he was much better at burying his hurt deep down, but he had barely slept at all the last couple of nights, the death of the five crew members adding more fodder to the ever-growing monster of nightmares, and it left him oddly thin-skinned. Damn his luck for Uhura starting this conversation today of all days.

For her part, Uhura looked as if he had actually slapped her, her face twisted into a strange expression. As if she were really looking at him for the first time since Khan.

Leonard sighed and raked a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry, Nyota, that was uncalled for. I hadn’t meant to… I haven’t been sleeping well the last couple of days and it got the better of me. Forget what I said, you’re right. Jim cares, he simply – changed his way of showing it.”

He tried for a smile but even to himself, it seemed strangely hollow.

“Guess I’ll call it an early night, wouldn’t want to fall asleep during my shift tomorrow. I’ll see you around for the festivities.”

And with that he finally turned and all but fled towards the building, ignoring Uhura calling his name behind him. 

There was a turbo lift already waiting when he entered the lobby and Leonard all but dived into it, pushing the button a bit too hard as if that would somehow make the doors close faster. They finally did with a soft hiss and as he felt the lift move up, he leant back against the wall.

Jeez, he should have kept his mouth shut. Should have said something neutral to simply end this conversation. Now he would have to put extra effort into convincing Uhura that he was fine, and she didn’t need to concern herself with his sorry affairs. Not more than she had already done anyway by letting Jim know in no uncertain terms what she thought of his behavior towards Leonard a month or so into their mission once the change in behavior had become more obvious to the rest of the crew as well. That one had been really touching, and Leonard hadn’t been able to be annoyed by it.

The soft hiss of the doors opening drew him from his thoughts and he hurried down the corridor to the small apartment he had been assigned, the one he had also been staying in before they had moved out for their five-years mission. Seeing as he wouldn’t be on Earth for some years, Leonard hadn’t bothered looking for his own flat, considering it wasted money. Instead, he had taken the accommodation offered by the Fleet at a cheap rent, promising himself he would look for his own place once he was permanently back on Earth.

This short trip home really didn’t qualify as such.

The apartment was as tidy but impersonal as he remembered from his last stay. A small kitchenette, a comfortable sofa opposite a holo-screen, a glass door leading to a small balcony and a bedroom complete with adjourning bathroom. There wasn’t more to it. It was small, it was functional, and for now it suited Leonard just fine. Slipping out of his shoes, he let out a groan as he fell back into the soft cushions of the sofa.

Damn, he really hoped Uhura wouldn’t start poking around his issues concerning Jim’s death. They were his to deal with and no one needed to bother with it. Maybe once, in another life, he would have shared his worries with his friends. But that had been before his father’s death. Before he had confided his fear and pain to his wife and best friend, only for them to stab their knives into his back by cheating on Leonard with each other. That he found out on the first anniversary of his father’s death had just been the icing on the cake. Leonard had certainly learned his lesson that day, keeping his hurts and true feelings to himself by masking them with grumpiness and complaints. No one wanted to look closer at a no fun curmudgeon. No one apart from Jim that was and apparently, he hadn’t learned his lesson after all because he had let down his guard, had let Jim in, and look how that had turned out. ‘Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…’. Well, he had been a fool alright, and it was only proper that he suffered for it now. No need to drag others down the rabbit hole. 

Leonard felt the pain physically spread through his body as the thoughts rushed through his head, as the pain of being pushed aside by his best friend flared up once again. Felt it in the sharp pain in his throat that felt like he had swallowed glass, the hurt that was pumped from his heart to the rest of his body every time it contracted and expanded again.

He had always been the one to care for others, long before life had lost its innocent promises, making sure everyone in his circle of friends got home alright, got an open ear when they needed it, and some advice if he could provide it. And despite life slowly teaching him to better keep his affairs to himself, that trait had never left. It was too ingrained into his very being, the wish to help, too entwined with his calling as a doctor that even though Leonard wanted to keep his distance to others, he never managed when he felt he could help. It’s what got him the reputation of being a good listener.

And it was fine. Honestly, he was fine, he was content to soak up the worries of others and let them leave a bit lighter, a bit better. It was just – Jim’s death had broken something inside him. And wasn’t it fucking poetic that the person he had started to turn to when he actually needed to talk about his own issues was actually the person causing these issues to begin with by finally deciding that he wasn’t worth the extra time and making himself sparse. Just like Jocelyn and Clay once had. Only his divorce had held nothing to the wound Jim’s death dealt him. And contrary to back then, nobody seemed to be able to look past his defenses like Jim had done in their first year at the Academy.

The quiet tone of an incoming mail on his PADD rose him from his morose thoughts and with a sigh, Leonard rubbed his hands over his face. It was just one of those days where he didn’t quite feel right. Nothing a good drink of Bourbon couldn’t fix. He didn’t have any here, but he could always head out to one of the bars.

Feeling marginally better for the thought, Leonard picked up the PADD from the coffee table where he had tossed it before sitting down.

It was a message from Jim, sent out to all Enterprise personnel. Thinking of the sudden meeting Uhura had told him about, Leonard pressed his lips together, feeling a different kind of dread form in his stomach. Nervously, he opened the message.

In its gist, it contained exactly the concerns Leonard had tried to talk Uhura out of. According to Jim, he and Spock had been informed of a threat by Terra Prime, an extremist xenophobic terrorist organization dedicated to the expulsion of all non-Humans from Earth and the Sol system in general, against the upcoming celebrations of the Federation’s 100 years existence. They had issued a warning against any events held in its name and threatened them with an attack should they still go through with the festivities. Security was obviously on it and to make any possible attacks on venues at least marginally more difficult, beaming had been blocked on the grounds and the surrounding areas where big speeches and events would be held. All Fleet personnel was asked to keep their eyes open and report any suspicious behavior, people or items immediately to security.

Leonard looked at the message for a long time, his eyes trained on the words without really reading them.

Another threat. Another attack. And once again, they were right in the middle of it. Oh, of course, maybe they would manage to scrape past this one without anyone of the crew getting so much as a scratch, but Leonard was too realistic for that. He knew the way Jim worked, hell, how the entire fucking crew worked. If there was anything in their powers to prevent innocent civilians from coming to harm, they would do it, and damn the consequences to their own lives. And maybe it was selfish, but Leonard couldn’t bear the thought that yet another chance had come for Jim to be taken from him. Because of course Jim would be right in the middle of it. Even if no one asked him to do anything, the idiot was basically incapable of staying of out trouble, even if he didn’t try to get into it.

Feeling the nausea settling in his stomach, he threw the PADD onto the sofa, then buried his face in his hands, as if that would block out any of his thoughts.

A drink. He really needed a drink. Not to get smashed, he was a grown-up man and not some stupid teenager, thank you very much, but just a glass of the really good stuff, something to slowly savor and to relax, to get his thoughts in order. Normally he would have preferred to do that within his own four walls but since he didn’t actually have anything here, he would be forced to head out. Beggars not being able to be choosers and so on.

Grunting as he braced his hands on his knees to get up, Leonard moved over to his bedroom. As desperate as he might be for a drink, there was no way he was heading out still in his uniform. Quickly changing into civilian clothing, Leonard barely remembered to take his communicator with him before he left the apartment.

The bar Leonard eventually found himself in was a bit off campus, yet still within walking distance. It was a calmer establishment, catering to older Fleet personnel and civilians who favored either the company or the pricy alcohol rather than youngsters looking for a party night. The interior was an odd mix of old-fashioned dark-wooded furniture and modern, sleek art deco. A mixture of new and old that was reflected both in its music and the drinks offered as well. Kentucky Bourbon stood right next to Andorian Ale, and old and new Terran songs mixed with beats from all over the Federation. Jim and he had stumbled across it almost by accident on one of their nights of barhopping in their second semester at the Academy, and they continued to return to it when they were looking for something quieter than the usual bars and clubs littered closer around campus.

Leonard easily found a chair at the bar although the place was quickly filling with people, and once he had his Bourbon in front of him, he found himself incrementally relaxing.

Maybe he worried for nothing. Maybe these blasted activities would come and go, and nothing would happen. God, he really hoped nothing would happen. All personal worries aside, the Federation didn’t need yet another blow straight to the core. Hell, all these people just wanting to enjoy themselves and celebrate the cultural exchange and peace the Federation stood for deserved to do so without having to worry that some xenophobic assholes decided to blast that up simply because they mistrusted everything that was further away than their own noses.

Leonard sighed and took another sip from his Bourbon.

It was just – he got this feeling in his gut ever since he opened that message. This dreadful feeling which Spock would call “illogical superstitions”, but Leonard knew was just instinct based on experience that added fuel to his worries that something was going to happen. That they, the Federation, the Enterprise crew, wouldn’t manage to avoid this disaster. It drove up his anxiety, buzzed right underneath his skin like an itch he couldn’t scratch because nothing had happened YET. The often-cited calm before the storm. And Leonard had always been bad with waiting for the punch to hit him. 

He took another sip, then let his eyes sweep over the other patrons. The bar had gotten quite full by now, and probably due to the celebrations starting tomorrow, there were quite a lot of off-worlders. Leonard smiled at the thought of how those Terra Prime idiots would like that and was about to turn back to his Bourbon when a blond head caught his attention. Squinting to make out more details through the mass of shifting, moving bodies and the dimness of the bar in general, it didn’t take long to make out one Jim Kirk sitting in one of the booths, nursing a bottle of beer.

Somehow, that sight felt like a punch to the gut. They were both here, in one of their favorite bars, and none of them had thought to call the other to ask if they wanted to hang out together. To be fair, Leonard would have thought that Jim was still busy writing his speech or doing some other things for the festivities tomorrow, but those thoughts hadn’t even consciously entered his mind because it had become so rare that they hung out, just the two of them, that Leonard could count the occasions on one hand for the last couple of months. Fuck. They really had become only work colleagues, nothing more.

His heart gave a sad thud, twisting painfully in his chest, yet before he could decide what to do next – because he wasn’t sure if Jim would even want his company right now and how fucked up was that – Jim looked up and as if guided by some strange power or whatever met Leonard’s gaze head on.

Leonard knew Jim well enough that even despite the distance and the dim light, he could see the surprise fly over his face, followed by a quick spark of guilt. Apparently, Leonard wasn’t the only one feeling bad for not thinking of meeting up, though he wasn’t sure what Jim’s excuse would be. When Jim’s face finally morphed into a friendly smile and he waved him over, Leonard didn’t even think about refusing before he got out of his chair and moved over to the booth. Apart from not wanting to be rude, he would always come when Jim wanted him to. It was probably pathetic how dependent he still was on Jim’s attention despite the other’s obvious withdrawal from their old friendship, but Leonard couldn’t help himself. Jim would always hold this special place in his heart.

Sliding on the soft bench opposite Jim, Leonard plastered on a lazy smile, forcing his thoughts about their friendship to the back of his mind.

“Funny meeting you here. Would have thought you were still busy scrambling something together for the grand speech tomorrow.”

Jim smirked and leaned back against the soft backrest, beer bottle hanging lazily from his fingers.

“Nah, you know me. I’m a model Starfleet Captain and obviously already finished my speech.”

“Spock pestered you to get it done in time, didn’t he?”

“Spock totally pestered me about it. In the beginning, it was actually funny to see him get all fussed about it, but there’s just so much passive-aggressive Vulcan arguing I can handle, and it didn’t seem worth the effort. So, I finished that thing yesterday evening.”

Leonard laughed. He finished his Bourbon and waived a waiter over for a refill before he turned back to Jim.

“That’s the day. James T. Kirk caving to Vulcan logic. Over a speech, no less.”

“You need to pick your battles, and this damn speech really wasn’t worth it.”

Jim grinned and took one last gulp from his beer, then leaned forward a bit to place his now empty bottle back on the table. He ordered another, then glanced back at Leonard, face as open and relaxed as Leonard hadn’t seen in a long time, looking unfairly good in the dim light. His traitorous heart jumped a bit faster in his chest. 

“So, how have you been Bones? I feel like we haven’t hung out like this in forever.”

Leonard bit back a comment on whose fault that was. Just because his mind had apparently decided that he still wasn’t over the stage of jealous drama didn’t mean he had to act like it. Instead, he leaned back and entertained Jim with some of the more ridiculous stories happening in Med Bay. Being the captain and having to sign off on his reports obviously meant that Jim knew those stories already, but there was a world of a difference between the straightforward reports he wrote and the dry witted sarcasm he liked to pepper these stories with when he told them. Though Leonard was careful not to grumble too much. He didn’t want to drive Jim away now that he finally got his attention.

Christ, he was pathetic.

Jim for his part was a great listener as usual. His focus remained on Leonard the entire time and with every story he seemed to relax more, shedding the weight of being a captain and laughing whole heartedly about his crew’s more embarrassing mishaps.

They fell into companionable silence after the last story involving an unfortunate science officer managing to grow a tail and turning his skin tone purple, both content to just drink their booze and make a throw-away comment about this mission or another. It was just like it had been before Khan, as if nothing had changed, and Leonard couldn’t help but wonder why it had.

Apropos of nothing, Jim’s gaze suddenly turned serious.

“You’ll be working at Fleet medical during our stay here, right?”

Leonard furrowed his brow, a bit thrown by the abrupt change in topic.

“Yeah, you know I will. ‘m not really a people person and having thousands of them crammed into narrow streets, accompanied by loud music doesn’t really change my approach on that.”

Jim nodded and seemed to relax a bit at those words.

“Good. That’s – good. Guess they can use your genius while you’re stuck dirtside.”

It was said as a joke, but Leonard narrowed his eyes at the words. He knew Jim long enough to detect when he was talking bullshit.

“Is this about the message you sent out earlier? About a possible attack on the festivities?”

The light flinch of Jim’s shoulders told Leonard that he had hit the bullseye.

Leonard pressed his lips together, his defenses immediately going up, bracing for a confrontation.

“It is, isn’t it? Why? What does this have to do with me working at medical?”

Jim shrugged, trying for nonchalance, and failing miserably.

“Nothing. I was just curious how you’re going to spend your time while we’re here. I’m not surprised that it will be work, though I hope you plan to at least spend one day participating in the activities, man. There are some interesting talks and exhibitions, it would be a shame to miss them.”

He was desperately trying to steer the conversation back to safer topics, Leonard could tell. And maybe on another day, he would have let him. But sometimes he could be like a dog that had tasted blood and considering the morose thoughts that had plagued him all day and the little sleep he was running on, Leonard didn’t feel too generous. He couldn’t let go before he had gotten to the bottom of this.

“Stop using your tactical bullshit on me, Jim. It didn’t work while you were still a cadet and it’s not working now either. What do the attacks have to do with me working…?”

Something flew over Jim’s face, an emotion almost too quick to decipher if Leonard hadn’t had the talk with Nyota earlier this day. It was guilt. Guilt mixed with worry.

The fucking hypocrite.

“You worry. You worry that something might happen, don’t you?”

Jim shrugged, his mouth twisting into a charming grin that didn’t quite manage to reach his eyes.

“Nah, there’s nothing to worry about. Security is onto it and if Terra Prime should try anything, I’m sure they’ll catch them beforehand. I was just curious if you would be in medical tomorrow or not, is all.”

“You mean in the hospital which is far enough away from official celebrations that an attack on it is unlikely?”

The bourbon, the restlessness plaguing him for the last hours as well as the tiredness of the last couple of days seemed to mix to a bright spark, lighting Leonard’s anger like a flame to a tinderbox. He didn’t fully get why this simple question made him so furious, it was innocent enough. It was just – after the last year, Jim didn’t have the right to act all worried. Not when he hadn’t actually cared about how Leonard had been dealing with everything after the Khan disaster.

“You’re such a hypocrite. It’s alright if you place yourself in danger, if you play the martyr, but woe be to those who would dare to do the same.”

The smile fell from Jim’s face quicker than an apple to the ground and on a rational level, Leonard knew that he should stop before he went too far, before he said something he might regret. But the words just kept coming, pouring out of his mouth like a river whose damn had finally broken.

“You’ve got no right to worry about me and my whereabouts when it’s you and your sorry ass that’s always in danger, always scurrying from one mortal peril to the next.”

Leonard felt his face twist into sardonic grimace, the blood still pounding loudly in his ears.

“Or maybe you worry about yourself after all. Who knows, that might be the perfect opportunity for you to sacrifice yourself again, to prove once again why you’re the great hero of the Federation. So, don’t you worry, I’ll be right there to fix your pretty face.”

Leonard knew he had crossed a line with that, and not only from the way Jim’s eyes actually darkened in real anger. It was just that he didn’t care right now, feeling his own fury interlaced with all the built-up pain weave its way through him, making his throat and chest hurt while the pounding in his ears got accompanied by a ringing sound.

“What the hell has gotten into you, Bones? This got nothing to do with me – I just wanted to know where you would be tomorrow!”

Jim took a deep breath, blue eyes burning into Leonard’s.

“And for the record, I don’t have a martyr complex or how you called it. I don’t go around trying to be killed.”

“Could have fooled me.”

Even in the dim light, Leonard could see how Jim paled as his facial expression slipped for just a second. Then the anger was back, burning seemingly brighter than before. Looked as if Leonard had hit a nerve.

“Fuck you, Bones, really! Everything I do, every fucking risk I take is to protect my crew, the people I care about. And yeah, sometimes that puts me in danger, but I would ten thousand times rather have it being me than them. I can’t just watch as others get hurt, that’s not the kind of person I want to be.”

“How very heroic of you, Jim. Then everything is alright, isn’t it? As long as you do what’s right for you, the world just has to follow. And if that requires you dying, well that’s just the icing on the cake for your heroic legacy, damn all those that have to deal with the fallout of your death.”

Too personal. Leonard hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t meant to reveal his own issues with Jim’s acceptance of his own death, but the words had just spilled out, though Jim seemed too angry to pick up on it.

“Don’t you dare say I don’t know anything about the fallout. My entire childhood was shaped by the legacy of my dad’s death and mum struggling to deal with it all. I know first-hand experience what this feels like. But this doesn’t change the fact that it was the only chance my dad had, just like climbing into the warp reactor was the only thing I could do to save the Enterprise. And I would do it again. I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could save lives.”

“Of course, you would because you won’t be the one who has to live with it!”

Leonard all but screamed the words, his sight going almost blurry at the edges with the furry that rushed through him at Jim’s incomprehension. People turned towards them at their raised voices, looking curious, and Leonard just about managed to reign in his voice when he continued. 

“You won’t be the one left behind, dealing with the aftermath, having to go on when the person…”

Leonard bit his lip hard, just about managing to hold back the words that wanted to spill out, the secret that would be revealed by them. Instead, he said, “I know it was hard to live with the burden of your dad’s legacy, of having to live up to it, and yes, I fully admit that must have sucked. But you still haven’t fully shed it. You still got it stuck in that head of yours that his choice was the only one he had, that you can’t be worth his sacrifice if you don’t somehow try to follow in his shoes.”

“My dad didn’t have a choice, there was nothing else he could have done to save the crew, to save my mum!”

“And that makes your mum’s pain over his death alright?! The struggles you had when growing up because of that?”

Jim reeled back; lips almost white in anger as he pressed them tightly together. Leonard knew he had crossed so many lines, he wasn’t sure if Jim could even stand to have him on the Enterprise after this but if he went down, he was going to finish this at least. After all, at least he could fully blame himself for ruining the last scratches of friendship he still had with Jim.

“I’ve got news for you the world doesn’t stop after you die and so don’t the people you leave behind. They still have to live in a world that you created for them, a world that will be in some way defined by your death. And the least you could do before you sacrifice yourself again and again is consider the ramifications for those left behind rather than brush them aside as if they were some unfortunate side effect people will just have to deal with!”

Leonard didn’t know how they had ended from the general threat they were facing right now to Jim’s lack of self-regard when it came to his own life but somehow, they had ended right in the middle of it, with Leonard’s own issues visibly enough if one knew how to interpret them. He had certainly left enough breadcrumbs for Jim and if he gave him enough time, the other would figure out sooner or later what the real problem was.

Better to end it now.

“You know what, forget it. I’m sorry, you’re right, I overreacted and shouldn’t have said those things. You just wanted to know where I would be because you’re worried. So, rest assured, I’ll be in my usual spot in Med Bay, ready to deal with the aftermath of whatever scheme you and Spock eventually come up with.”

Huh, that hadn’t been the apology Leonard had wanted to give but apparently it was the only one he could come up with. Jim looked suitably unimpressed, yet there was that wrinkle between his eyebrows. The one he always got when he tried to see the bigger picture behind a seemingly simple problem.

“The hell, and you think that makes everything alright? You take a normal question and turn it into a huge argument, bring up things I told you in private. You’re my best friend and I trusted you to keep them between us. So why the ever-loving hell would you bring those up in a fucking bar?”

Leonard couldn’t help himself, he laughed at that.

“I thought Spock’s your best friend. What with how you couldn’t even bother to thank me after I saved your life. Couldn’t even be bothered to ask how…”

Leonard shook his head and started to get up from his seat. It was time to end this sorry charade.

“I’m your friend, I’ll always be your friend. But don’t you sit on your high horse and accuse me of betraying our friendship when you couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge it for the last year.”

Finally having managed to slip out from the bench, Leonard turned to leave this fucking bar and this nightmarish evening behind when he was stopped by a hand around his wrist. Automatically, he tried to twist away, trying to squirm out of Jim’s grip without bumping into every person standing around them.

“Bones, wait, we should…”

“Dammit Jim, let go, it’s enough…”

Just when he managed to free his hand, Leonard felt his communicator slip out of his pocket. Reaching for it, Leonard only succeeded in hitting his head at someone’s very bony shoulder while he watched unhappily as his communicator fell to the ground. At the same time cursing and apologizing to the guy whose shoulder he had gotten acquainted with so painfully, Leonard once again bent down, this time to pick up his communicator. The crack going through it didn’t look promising and Leonard cursed once again.

“I’m sorry Bones, let me…”

“It’s alright Jim. It was just an accident. Nothing Scotty can’t fix tomorrow.”

“Bones….”

Leonard looked back at Jim, noted the frown on his face, the hurt and confusion in his eyes and decided that he really wasn’t able to deal with this. Not here, not now.

“I’m sorry Jim but you really need to let me go now. And for what it’s worth: I’m really sorry for what I said about you and your parents. I hadn’t meant to say it.”

And with that Leonard finally turned away and managed to disappear in the crowd.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! My apologies for taking so long to upload the next chapter, I hadn't even realized how long it has been. Unfortunately, work is rather intense at the moment, so updates will continue to take some time, but I promise you, they will come! :)  
> Also, thank you all so much for your kind comments on the first chapter, I really appreciate every single one of them! 
> 
> With that being said, this chapter is comparatively short compared to the previous one and sort of an interlude. But I felt it made sense to stop it here, otherwise the next one is going to be waaay too long. ;) 
> 
> Apart from that, enjoy! <3

_Alright, everything is alright_

_Since you came along_

“Stay” by Hurts

Waking up the next morning provided relief for exactly five seconds. Five seconds before the memories of the previous night, of his fight with Jim came crushing down on him. Leonard groaned and curled into himself, hugging the warm blanket around him. As if that would keep away the pain and embarrassment that flared up as he remembered the scenes from the bar.

He didn’t know what had gotten into him. No, that wasn’t true. He knew exactly why he had said those things, those thoughts that had been stuck in his mind for months, maybe years. It was just – he hadn’t _meant_ to say them.

Accusing Jim of not appreciating the ramifications of a person’s gruesome heroic death had been harsh considering how he had grown up. But somehow, Leonard couldn’t quite bring himself to regret it. Oh, he regretted telling Jim in this manner, in this place. It should have been something the two of them discussed in one of their quarters, on one of these rare nights when they both managed to tear down the barriers they had built around their hearts and shared with each other all their doubts and past misgivings. Not in a bar and not as an accusation thrown right into Jim’s face. But then, considering they hadn’t had a talk like that since they shipped out after Kahn it had probably been inevitable to come up in a confrontation of some sort.

And it was something that had bothered Leonard right from the beginning, all throughout the Academy. A worry that had fully developed once they had shipped out for their first mission after Nero. Jim’s complete disregard for his own safety. In the beginning, it certainly had been based on this feeling of having to live up to the heroic legend of George Kirk, something they had talked about frequently, Leonard trying often enough to talk his friend out of it. This desperate drive to compete with a dead man had slowly receded over the last couple of years, and not only because saving Earth twice had probably catapulted Jim right ahead of his father in this doubtful race. Being responsible for hundreds of lives on the Enterprise had also matured the captain, had him finally become the man Pike had seen in him all these years ago in that bar in Iowa. But it had only strengthened another character streak, this willingness to sacrifice himself for others in any way he could if only he could spare them from pain. It had led to more than one, in Leonard’s opinion, avoidable stays in Medbay.

Not that it seemed to bother Jim. Whenever he came to after one such encounter, he would only ever ask after others, never his own health apart from the assurance that he was going to live another day. It frustrated Leonard to no end. Not only this disregard for his own life, but Jim’s complete obliviousness to what he meant to the people around him and how his sacrificial tendencies affected them. Because it wasn’t just Leonard who felt like some part of himself hurt right along with Jim, couldn’t quite breathe until he knew that the other would pull through. No, it affected the rest of the crew as well, especially the senior officers, although none of them seemed to be plagued by an ever-growing collection of nightmares over how whatever it was could have turned out differently and taken Jim from them. Every crewmember seemed subdued when their captain was once again admitted to Medbay and the entire bridge crew made sure to come by and visit, even if Jim was still unconscious, just to assure themselves that they hadn’t lost their friend.

Jim never saw that. The quiet worry in their eyes. The frustration that he would do this for them although they had never asked, never wanted him to hurt for them. The fear that one day Jim’s luck would run out and they would lose him after all. The burden Leonard shouldered every time whenever he had to mend broken bones, torn organs, trying to beat the Grim Reaper at his own game once again. It was just so exhausting, so painful to see his friends hurt like that for a man who seemed incapable of realizing it.

So no, Leonard didn’t regret saying those words in the bar yesterday. But he regretted the fight they had about it, the hurtful way in which he had said them. God, he wished he could take that back. He hadn’t meant to cause Jim pain, something he had undoubtedly done if the look on Jim’s face had been anything to go by. 

The alarm going off next to his bed pulled him from his thoughts, reminding him that he had a shift starting in an hour. Groaning, Leonard rubbed his hands over his face as if that would somehow help to shoo away his feelings of guilt or make the entire confrontation with Jim go away before he finally rolled out of bed. Time to face the music because he was quite sure that Jim would at some point during the day try to find him to finish their discussion. Leonard would prefer he’d rather not and give him at least one more day of reprieve so that he could collect himself. Their fight, followed by a night of tossing and turning, hadn’t really helped to settle his nerves and as he left his apartment to head to Starfleet Medical, he still felt decidedly off. Fragile, as much as he hated to use that word. As if today some bits and pieces of himself had just been assembled wrongly. To add to his misery, he discovered that his communicator seemed to be more than just a little broken. When he tried to check for any messages, it just gave a pitiful peep before turning off and dying on him. All efforts to get it going again were stubbornly refused. Burning his lip on too hot coffee he tried to gulp down before he had to leave his apartment just was the icing on the cake and found Leonard already in an ungodly mood when he finally arrived at Fleet Medical.

Starting his shift provided at least some form of relief, mostly by distracting him from the merry-go-round of morose thoughts stuck in his head. It was also both oddly refreshing and frustrating to see that no, engineers on the Enterprise weren’t the only ones who occasionally seemed to consider protective gear as optional rather than sensible equipment that had been invented for a reason, god damnit. Leonard certainly had a field day chewing out careless cadets with avoidable, non-life-threatening injuries. If it reminded them to be careful the next time, they would survive his harsh tongue lashing. And if it also offered him a productive outlet to vent his own frustrations – well, nobody knew.

He had just finished treating a cadet with mild burns on his hands who had “forgotten” to wear protective gloves, accompanied by a suitable lecture about using one’s brain for more than just a space filler in one’s head, when he noticed a familiar figure at the side of his field of vision.

Leonard cursed quietly under his breath. Trust Jim to discuss their fight with the hobgoblin.

“Spock. To what do I owe this honor?”

Spock stood at parade rest, hands loosely held behind his back. Even after all these years, Leonard couldn’t fathom how that pose could be considered “relaxed”.

“Doctor. I apologize for my unannounced visit, but may I have some of your time?”

Leonard grunted while turning back to the cadet in front of him.

“You’re free to go, Cadet. And keep in mind what I told you about that gear. If you enter this hospital again because of your own damn negligence, I won’t be as nice as I was today.”

Face bright red, the cadet just mumbled a quick “yes sir, thank you sir” and hurried away, probably glad for the distraction and the rescue from another tongue lashing. Leonard rolled his eyes at his retreating back.

“I swear, Spock, there must be some sort of spell to attract only the most reckless of students to engineering.”

Facial expression remaining neutral, Spock merely raised an eyebrow.

“I was not aware that witchery of any sort was involved in the selection process for any fields at the Academy.”

Lord help him, Vulcans truly would be the death of him one day.

“Sometimes I’m almost convinced that you’re doing this on purpose just to vex me.”

“Vulcans do not…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. You and I both know that there’s always an exception to the rule.”

Spock simply continued to stare at Leonard, expression seemingly a neutral mask as always. Yet Leonard knew the Vulcan well enough by now to know that if he had allowed himself such reactions, Spock would have rolled his eyes. The doctor just about managed to keep himself from grinning.

“While I appreciate your efforts to deviate from my inquiry, I have to stress my intention of having a conversation with you, doctor.”

Feeling his stomach tighten, Leonard swallowed and turned back to his PADD, hoping that miraculously another patient needed his immediate attention. No such luck.

“Can’t it wait, Spock? I’m rather busy.”

“As it is, I am afraid it cannot. I also happen to know that there are no new patients to see to momentarily, which is why I believed now would be a good time to have this conversation. I am aware that you do not appreciate to be disturbed when you are occupied, doctor.”

That was actually quite considerate if Leonard had felt gracious enough to acknowledge Spock’s discretion. As it was, it only left him with no credible excuses to avoid their discussion.

“Alright then, Spock, shoot. What’s so important that you’ve to bother me at work instead of going over your speech one more time?”

“I believe you know, doctor.”

Leonard crossed his arms.

“Enlighten me.”

Spock inclined his head.

“As you wish. I have come here because last night, the captain knocked at my door, looking rather upset. My first reaction was, unfortunately, less welcoming as I had feared he had engaged in a behavior I had assumed was past him, namely consuming considerable amounts of alcohol that eventually resulted in a fight. However, I soon recognized that I had misjudged the situation. Once he had calmed down, the captain confided in me that he had had a fight with you. While I know that your emotional nature sometimes leads to reactions not quite appropriate to the situation, and also know that the captain is usually aware of this character trait, it seems as if this time he appeared genuinely hurt by what you said to him. At first, he refused to provide further details as to what had transpired between the two of you but eventually, I was able to collect enough information to ‘get the picture’ as humans would say.”

Spock paused for a moment, raising an elegant eyebrow. Leonard wondered how that alone could look so damn judging.

“I have to admit I was rather surprised to hear what you said to him. As I said, I’m quite aware of your emotional nature, yet some of the things truly must have been hurtful considering the captain’s history. Something you as his doctor and, more importantly, best friend are well aware of.”

Leonard swallowed, feeling his throat close up painfully, hurting as if Spock had hit him with an actual punch rather than just a verbal one. God, Jim really had told Spock everything. And whatever shit he liked to give the Vulcan for not being in touch with his own emotions, it was apparent that he had no difficulty recognizing and understanding Jim’s.

Well, of course he did. They were destined for an epic friendship, had been since the day Ambassador Spock stuck his fingers in Jim’s brain and showed him everything that had once been and that might still one day come to pass, one way or another. Leonard didn’t feature in any of that.

Christ, that last bit sounded pathetic. He was a grown-up man, not some kindergartner who got jealous because his best friend started to make friends with another kid.

Except apparently, he was.

Trying to clear his throat and hoping that his voice sounded steady rather than the brittle thing he felt it was, Leonard started, “Listen, Spock, I know…”, but Spock held up his hand, effectively shutting him up in surprise.

“I feel like you have the wrong impression as to why I’m here. My point is while I know that Jim was hurt by your words, I also know you, doctor. While your words are often passionate, you rarely use them to hurt others. Especially those you consider friends. So, after some consideration of the data that I was presented with, I’ve come here to inquire after your wellbeing.”

Leonard blinked. It felt as if he had been looking out for a shuttle hitting him from one side, only to be surprised by one hitting him from the other. For a second, everything felt off-kilter.

“What?!”

Yeah, his voice definitely sounded bristle and hoarse rather than confident.

Spock merely continued looking at him, eyebrows slightly drawn together in a way that Leonard had come to recognize as concern.

“In the years I’ve known you, you’ve never used anyone’s past against them in a fight, not even mine, even though we had a difficult start. That you have done so now leads me to the conclusion that something drastically must have happened. After conversing with Lieutenant Uhura who also seemed concerned after a talk she had had with you the previous day, I concluded that something must be ‘bothering you’ as you would say, something that is frequently the underlying cause for illogical behavior as far as humans are concerned. So, I repeat my question: Are you feeling well, Leonard?”

At the use of his name, something Spock had only done once before, back when Leonard had been working on the serum for Jim, the tight ball of hurt in his chest seemed to pulse and explode, sending shock waves of pain through his body, banging against the walls of protection he had created around himself, creating fissures that started to crawl over them like thin spiderwebs, weakening his shields with every wave that crashed against them.

Leonard drew in a breath, his arms coming up around him without conscious thought as if that could somehow hold these walls together, stop them from crumbling. Even through his medical uniform he could feel the goosebumps forming on his arms, the slight shivers that made them shake imperceptibly. For a moment, everything hurt, the world spinning before his eyes and he wished Spock would simply leave so that he could collect himself.

A moment.

Leonard only needed a moment to steady himself, to collect the pain and put it back where it belonged, where no one could see it.

He was fine. He had been fine to all of them for over a year now. Why should he suddenly stop being fine?

“I – I don’t know what you’re asking, Spock. I’m fine. You’re right – and don’t let it get to your head that I said that – I shouldn’t have said the things I did to Jim. I hadn’t _meant_ to say them, dammit. It’s just – the entire situation with this new threat got the better of me and with the previous deaths of the last missions I haven’t slept very well, so my frustrations with some of Jim’s tendencies got the better of me. If it’s any consolation, I had already planned to apologize today or tomorrow, once I can find Jim in these damned festivities. Damn, I already wanted to apologize yesterday. I really hadn’t meant to say that to him”, Leonard finished lamely as if that could somehow repair or explain the damage he had created to his already fragile friendship with Jim.

Spock looked at him, assessing him. As if he didn’t quite know whether Leonard had been truthful or not.

And for just a second, Leonard was overcome with anger. Not with Spock for being the one to come to a somewhat correct conclusion, even if Leonard didn’t want him to. But with Jim. For how was it that a Vulcan, for crying out loud, could come to the conclusion that there must have been more to their fight but not his supposedly best friend?

“I understand what you are saying, doctor. On occasion, I myself am unsatisfied with the behavior the captain is frequently displaying where his own health and safety are concerned. When I had the impression that the captain was more receptive to it, I have also tried to approach the topic, yet so far he seemed resistant to my concerns.”

Well, at least it wasn’t just his concerns Jim was ignoring. It didn’t exactly make Leonard feel any better.

“While I do not condone it, I can sympathize that your human emotions overwhelmed you at a time of stress and fatigue. But your words nonetheless hurt the captain and as his friend, not to mention his first officer who needs to assure that nothing is distracting him from performing his duties adequately, I must insist that you discuss these issues and state your apology sooner rather than later.”

Leonard felt that he should somehow react to what he was pretty sure was a dig against him when Spock spoke of _human_ emotions but somehow, he couldn’t quite muster the right amount of indignity to care, busy as he was with feeling relieved that Spock hadn’t figured him out after all.

“Yeah, thanks, believe it or not I had already planned on doing that even before your little heart-to-heart. So, if you’re all done here…?”

“Why do you not join us for the festivities this afternoon? As you know, the captain and I were asked to hold speeches later today, but he, myself, and Lieutenant Uhura had planned on attending some of the exhibitions afterwards. You could join us. I am certain the captain would welcome it and it would give you time to apologize to him.”

It certainly was a nice invitation, even though Leonard couldn’t quite appreciate it, too overwhelmed by the realization that at no point before their fight had Jim even thought about inviting him. By now he really shouldn’t be surprised that he was constantly sidelined but somehow, the punches continued to hurt the same.

“I can’t unfortunately, I have a shift…”

“Which ends precisely at 16.00 and will give you enough time to freshen up and join us for tonight’s festivities. I insist, doctor.”

Damn him, why was the Vulcan so stubborn about this? Leonard had no desire whatsoever to join them tonight, yet at the same time he really felt too tired to fight the other on that. A wave of exhaustion slowly replaced the waves of pain, washing over the torn-up pieces, blissfully numbing him while at the same time draining any fight out of him.

Maybe it even was for the better. He could apologize to Jim, something he really owed him, and Jim could officially be done with him. A clean break, nothing to pretend anymore. There would even be two witnesses. So yeah, why the hell not.

“Sure, alright Spock, whatever you say.”

Distantly Leonard thought that Spock’s eyebrows must have set a new record for how high they could climb up his brow. The Vulcan had probably expected more of a fight.

“I – very well, doctor. That is – good to hear. Lieutenant Uhura and the captain will be happy to hear that. I will send the coordinates to your communicator later so that you can find us in the crowd.”

Leonard nodded passively before remembering yesterday’s little mishap.

“Don’t bother, my communicator is dead, no point in you sending me anything. I had planned to have it repaired after my shift today.”

Spock nodded.

“Very well, then I suggest we shall simply meet at the big stage where representatives of all founding nations will deliver their speeches. Finding each other there should be in an acceptable range and not delay us too much.”

Moving towards the door, Spock stopped briefly when he was next to Leonard.

“I have some spare time before I need to prepare for the afternoon. If you want, I can have your communicator repaired now so that you do not need to do it later.”

Blinking, Leonard was somewhat taken aback by the kind offer. Not that he didn’t know that Spock wasn’t as heartless as he had assumed at the beginning of their mission. But sometimes, being presented with Spock being considerate still threw him off guard.

Realizing that he had probably waited a beat too long with his answer, Leonard felt his cheeks grow warm even as he took out his communicator from his pocket which he had simply put there out of force of habit when he went on shift.

“Ehm, yeah, sure. That would be great. Thanks, Spock.”

Taking the communicator, Spock simply nodded his goodbye and left.

In the following silence, Leonard absently wondered if this new numbness would protect him from the upcoming confrontation with Jim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the Spock and Bones interaction. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Updates will unfortunately be irregular. However, the story is all planned, so it will be finished sooner or later!


End file.
